story

The Ultimate Pain

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all 
alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

 

 

Love and Breakups.. is it Worth the Pain?

 Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience. We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other relationships we thought would be our last because the bond was so strong but reality hit us without knowing or even a warning. 

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together. 

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

 

The Yes Girl

We’ve all been there (men too) to agreeing to everything that comes our way. That is my problem in life. 

“Hey we changed your schedule last minute thats cool right?” Yeah sure.

“Are you really ok?” Yeah

I’m a yes girl

I have a problem with telling people no. I don’t like to disappointment people or let them down. I feel as though I have to defend why I’m saying no. I can’t deal with seeing it in their eyes so I just go along with it.

I wasn’t always the yes girl believe it or not. When I was between 18-21 I was so much more assertive and more carefree. Confronting problems was never an issue to me. How people saw me never mattered because I loved myself more. So what changed?? I seriously ask myself this question all the time! I’m still not sure where I went wrong and how my personality changed so much. After while I got used to making others happy and forgot to do the same with myself. I started to put myself last. Instead of being the outgoing person I used to be, I started to be shy and sheltered. Now I worry if I upset others and jump to rescue the situation.

This is when I realized it was turning into a problem, especially when it came to my personality. When looking and thinking about it, it sends me into panic. Prioritizing my mental health has given me the courage to say no. Realizing that I needed help gave my strength to go down this journey. My boyfriend helped me realize that I was hurting myself more than helping myself when trying to help others. It made me sad that I got into this emotional state in my life but I was also proud of myself to getting to where I am now. It is an on going process and learning experience very similar to a roller coaster ride. I’m excited to see where I go from here and truly spending time with myself!

 

Accepting Less of Ourselves

Sometimes in life we just go through the daily grind no matter the weather, our mood, and even our health. We put everything on the back burner and concentrate on what needs to be done. What where does that get us?

Well let me tell you, expecting less and accepting less. When did we start expecting less and accepting less in our lives? Whether it means the job you are currently working, current relationship, or any other aspect in our lives. If something doesn’t go our way time and time again we tend to get discouraged with other aspects of our life. 

We have the power to live life to the ultimate fullest.

We have the power to take control of our lives.

We have the power to expect and accept more than what we have been doing.

No matter the bruises, no matter the hurt, no matter the scars, no matter how many times we fall in life we have the strength to not just settle in life. 

Strive for more

Live and accept more

So why expect and accept less in life?

 

 

Love

Understanding love seems to be like trying understand every aspect of the universe. It can end up being the most difficult thing to obtain and keep at times. While other times it’s as easy as breathing. 

So do we give up on the aspect of what love should be or continue and strive for moments and memories it can bring? I have been fighting with this since I went through my divorce. If love is supposed to be the most wonderful aspect of life, why does it end up hurting you?

Having only one thought of what it should be gets us in trouble. It isn’t how Disney shows it to be in movies. The hardships is what strengthens the bond between two people. The lack of the strength and faith is what seems to make people fall apart. 

Something worth having will never come easy. Strive for more with each other but most importantly don’t give up on each other. If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for.

Beginnings

We all seem to talk about the ” new year, new me” around this time of year. What does that truly mean? Do we change who we are? Do we travel more? Do we lose the 10 pounds we’ve been talk about all of 2017? (Yes that was me)

We don’t necessarily have to change who we are on the inside or change what we look like from the outside to achieve a new sense of life. We also don’t have to close the book of the previously year like it never happened. We can simply write a continuation to our story. Some of us may have had a bad year and some of us may have had a wonderful year. No matter the outcome we all made it through. It does not matter how many times we fell but instead how many times we got back up. 

We all have different goals we want to accomplish this year. 

We all have have different journeys to take this year.

Continue your story and let it be a great one this year! 

 

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