About me

As the legend goes, when the phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before.

My name is Crystal and I’m a domestic violence survivor. I was in a domestic violence relationship for six years. It started from when I was 20 to 25 years of age, until I had the courage and found my strength to leave.

My journey has lead me to share my life, experiences, and hope for others in similar situations. Domestic violence is such a stigma in society sometimes that it can be hard to find others who have been through similar situations. That is where my journey started, the hope and will to help others. What survivors go through isn’t easy but we chose to live. We chose to live another day, we chose to leave, we chose to start our life again.

We are survivors

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Reflections

A year ago I had someone ask me to look into the mirror and tell her 3 positive things about myself. Sadly, I had trouble coming up with 2 out of the 3. How can we be so positive about others yet have trouble doing the same for us? How can we love others but yet not truly love ourselves?

For me, I didn’t think I was worthy of anything positive. I still felt broken and useless to life around me. Self love was not in my vocabulary nor did I truly know what it meant. 

It took a long time to fully break out of the dark shell and see the sun shining through. The process was slow as molasses on a cold winter day but it was truly a blessing when it happened.

I ask this of you today. Go to the mirror and say 3 positive things about yourself daily. Feel worthy of everything in your life and what is to come from the future. 

Focus on all the positive things about yourself even if all you did was get up from bed and breathe. Be happy with small accomplishments. 

Most importantly, love yourself.

No one will love you more than you love yourself, radiate it to others around you 💜

 

Happiness

We all have learned in life that life can pass us by in an instant and that it can end at a moments notice. I learned this lesson when my step-mom passed away last October. We tend to be such in a hustle in life that we simply forget to just breathe. I feel as though when this happens God makes it a point to humble us and it’s not always in the way we want. A few months after she passed and as I continued to grieve, I started to break from the cycle of life. The never ending routine we all have.

I wanted to live the life she always wanted to and never had a chance to. See and experience life with her in my heart. Simply live life with as much happiness as she did. Knowing that it was ok to be happy without here in the physical form. It’s like experiencing life for the first time again without worry.

The hustle of life should never get in the way of experiencing the beautiful blessings around us. It should never take a loved one’s death to humble us again yet,sadly this is the case for most of us. 

Being happy should not equal as inviting guilt in as well. Be happy. As long as you are happy nothing else matters. Simply take a moment and breathe. Take a moment to see life can be a rainbow after the storm as passed, the stars always shine brighter after it’s passed.

 

Be born from the ashes like a phoenix every day as you take another breath.

Late Night Positivity

It’s one of those late night writing sessions. The one’s where all you hear is silence and the wind lightly blowing outside. When your thoughts and dreams come back alive even its just for a few hours. 

There is something to be said for nights like this. When all seems to be right in your world and all you feel is peace. There are times where we think our world is at our darkest  but we forget that on the darkest of nights the stars shine bright. It’s so important to take time and look into all the good in your life although their might be darkness. 

Take time to notice what the universe has given you and what is to come.

Have peace in your heart 

Have peace in your soul

Spread the positivity within you as you start this week ❤

 

 

Its Time

It’s been forever since I’ve written on my site, but today something brought me back. In the past month or so the nightmares have come back and my world went dark. The anxiety and distress was there. When I woke up, when I was at work, and when I went to sleep. It followed me like a shadow, never leaving my side. I kept denying that anything had changed and went about my life as usual. Now looking back I knew I was in denial. Taking that step back is a hard pill to shallow because it feels like I failed yet again.

How can someone so far still haunt you?

It is a forever battle between our mind and in our heart. A battle others may not truly understand but you and thats ok too. Some battles are won with just one person, you. As long as you fight the battle has already been won. Accepting that you deserve the life you always prayed for is step one. That is the foundation that will not get destroyed when the storm comes in. Refuse to give up hope, refuse to give up on faith. 

 We all have those moments where we will put everything in front of ourselves. We help others before we help ourselves. Giving the last of us to someone else in need who needs it more. Yet, when it comes down to us we tend to skip ourselves.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and fight for us. We deserve the same treatment we give to others who may need help. One off my favorite quotes is “If what’s ahead scares you and what’s behind hurts you, then look up.” It has brought me back each time when all I saw was darkness. Let it bring light to your world when darkness creeps in.

 

 

When we save everyone else, who will save us?

We are our own hero in our story so make it amazing

 

 

Having Lupus and Trying to Live a Normal Life

Having Lupus is a neitver ending learning experience. 5 months after my divorce and endless tests I was diagnosed with Lupus. If my life wasn’t already in turmoil this was the cherry on top. The only thing I kept thinking about was why me and what did I do wrong. I kept blaming myself when in reality there was nothing I did. 

It was scarier than my divorce. I’m one of those people who tends to be afraid of the unknown. So my doctor explaining it to me was terrifying.  At the time I didn’t know how my life would change and how it would effect me. 

Living a “normal life” is difficult at times. When taking a shower becomes the enemy changes your life. Being tired is a norm no matter how many others you sleep. Your bones ache more than other people your age. It can be hard for others to relate to what you’re going through so keeping it to yoirself becomes normal too.

It I can be challenging to not let others know the pain you might be feeling. So what do we do? Do we hide? Do we lie to our loved ones that everything is ok? The answer to those questions is simply no.

One of the biggest things you can have at your side are friends and family. The support system makes a true difference. I’m blessed because I also have my boyfriend. He reminds me to back down when I’m doing too much. I’m so independent that I will tackle Every. Single. Task. With no regard to my body giving me hints to rest. 

After my divorce I was so used to doing everything on my own because I had no other choice. So letting someone else handle things has been a learning curve for me. Stubbornness I tell you! 

All in all, I’m ready for the challenges that it can bring into my life. Am I still scared? Sure I am but I’m not letting it take over my life and stop me from living. One good day can end up leading to 3 bad days. Yet, every single day is worth fighting for. 

 

 

Back to Square One… Again

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly. 

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse, the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt sadness, anger, grief, peace, and everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still. Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

 

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ❤

 

 

 

Love and Breakups.. is it Worth the Pain?

 Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience. We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other relationships we thought would be our last because the bond was so strong but reality hit us without knowing or even a warning. 

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together. 

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

 

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