writing

Its Time

It’s been¬†forever since I’ve written on my site, but today something brought me back. In the past month or so the nightmares have come back and my world went dark. The anxiety and distress was there. When I woke up, when I was at work, and when I went to sleep. It followed me like a¬†shadow, never leaving my side. I kept denying that anything had changed and went about my life as usual. Now looking back I knew I was in denial. Taking that step back is a hard pill to shallow because it feels like I failed yet again.

How can someone so far still haunt you?

It is a forever battle between our mind and in our heart. A battle others may not truly understand but you and thats ok too. Some battles are won with just one person, you. As long as you fight the battle has already been won. Accepting that you deserve the life you always prayed for is step one. That is the foundation that will not get destroyed when the storm comes in. Refuse to give up hope, refuse to give up on faith. 

¬†We all have those¬†moments where we will put everything in front of ourselves. We help others before we help ourselves. Giving the last of us to someone else in need who needs it more. Yet, when it comes down to us we tend to skip ourselves. ¬†Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and fight for us. We¬†deserve the same treatment we give to others who may need help. One¬†off my favorite quotes is “If what’s ahead scares you and what’s behind hurts you, then look up.” It has brought me back each time when all I saw was darkness. Let it bring light to your world when darkness creeps in.

 

 

When we save everyone else, who will save us?

We are our own hero in our story so make it amazing

 

 

Back to Square One… Again

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so¬†much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been¬†difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a¬†magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were¬†around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through¬†the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly.¬†

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the¬†distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of¬†the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse,¬†the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt¬†sadness, anger,¬†grief, peace, and¬†everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still.¬†Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new¬†beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and¬†forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

 

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ‚̧

 

 

 

Love and Breakups.. is it Worth the Pain?

¬†Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience.¬†We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to¬†ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other¬†relationships we thought¬†would be our last¬†because the bond was so strong but¬†reality hit us without knowing or even a warning.¬†

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The¬†universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together.¬†

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

 

Broken Roads

Sometimes we have the power to try and save others. When we see someone care about going down a dark road we try our hardest to stop that journey from happening. Its within us to help others, its human nature.

One of the hardest things for me to do is realizing how far I’m willing to go to help another person. Sometimes I will go so far that I end up risking my health or more because I’m only focused on the one I’m helping.

I have come to realize that not everyone can be saved if they don’t want to save themselves. This can end up feeling like you lost a loved one and that the battle is done. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel like this. It’s ok to hurt, to go through the motions. You are human.

Do not save others and risk your life in the process. Let the other person attempt the changes, knowledge them. Help when needed but know when to step back. It might not always be easy, if can be a downright struggle. Don’t start breaking down your own road to save someone else’s who doesn’t want a better life.

You cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts on you. You can control if your willing to endure their struggles.

The Yes Girl

We’ve all¬†been there (men too) to agreeing to everything that comes our way. That is my¬†problem in life.¬†

“Hey we changed your schedule last minute thats cool right?” Yeah sure.

“Are you really ok?” Yeah

I’m a yes¬†girl

I have a problem with telling people no. I don’t like to disappointment people or let them down. I feel as though I have to defend why I’m saying no. I can’t deal with seeing it in¬†their eyes so I just go along with it.

I wasn’t always the yes girl believe it or not. When I was between 18-21 I was so much more¬†assertive and more¬†carefree.¬†Confronting problems was¬†never an issue to me. How people saw me never mattered because I loved myself more. So what changed?? I seriously ask myself this question all the time! I’m still not¬†sure where I went wrong and how my personality changed so much. After¬†while I got used to making others happy and forgot to do the same with myself. I started to put myself last. Instead of being the outgoing person I used to be, I started to be shy and¬†sheltered. Now I worry if I upset others and jump to rescue the¬†situation.

This is when I¬†realized it was¬†turning into a problem,¬†especially when it came to my personality. When looking and thinking about it, it sends me into panic.¬†Prioritizing my mental¬†health has¬†given me the courage to say no.¬†Realizing that I needed help gave my¬†strength to go down this¬†journey. My boyfriend helped me realize that I was hurting myself more than helping myself when trying to help others. It made me sad that I got into this emotional state in my life but I was also proud of myself to getting to where I am now. It is an on going process and learning experience very similar to a roller coaster ride. I’m excited to see¬†where I go from here and¬†truly spending time with myself!

 

Highs and Lows

There are¬†times our life that we feel like we’re on cloud nine in life. That nothing can go¬†wrong,¬†everything is perfect. Those are the best times in our life and what we look forward. Yet, when an event happens in our life our world¬†crashes around us. How can we be so high and yet¬†drop from heaven and fall so quickly?¬†How¬†do you get through the lows in life? How do you see the light when it’s so far away?

People say just be happy or¬†get over it but don’t help to show you how. There is no play by play book about life and how to handle¬†the lows. I have been through the lowest of the lows, when I saw no other way out. I crawled out and went through fire to get where I am today. How did I do it? To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell you. I kept walking, when I want to curl up in a ball and give up I kept going. I didn’t know where I was going but I kept going. I had very close people in my life that helped me get through but they might as well have been talking a different language. This was one of those journeys I had to do on my own. I clawed my way out, kicking and screaming until I felt alive again. When I wanted to live, I found my purpose to breathe. I was my own world. I was my reason.¬†

Sometimes you win some and you lose some, at that point I was losing bad. I got up and fell. I couldn’t see the light. Thinking of the where I wanted to be, how I wanted to see my life to be pushed me¬†forward. I was put on this Earth for a reason and I sure as hell going to figure out why.¬†

When got created mountains and oceans and galaxies he looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too. 

You are here for a reason

You were created and were meant to be here

Continue the journey even when times are hard

When all you see is darkness look at the stars, look at how they shine for you 

Truly Loving Yourself and Accepting Your Past

After taking a break for a month or so I’ve never felt so alive yet also feeling so lost. Such a¬†crazy¬†combination when you think¬†about it. My life has been been the greatest it has been in years and the happiest. Yet, apart of me is still struggling to realize that I deserve every inch of God’s grace¬†he’s given me. I’ve put my heart back together and continued to do so when I cut myself in the process. Coming so far yet feeling like no strides have been made.¬†Like more should of been done in that time, feeling defeated when in actuality we won that phase of our lives. I survived such hell and survived domestic violence yet at times I still act like a victim.

Why do we put ourselves down when we have no true reason to? 

It leads too others seeing our true soul and sometimes it’s something we don’t want others to see. We’re so¬†vulnerable¬†in this state we can’t hide what is eating us on the inside. Then reality hits us, do we love ourselves? Truly love ourselves? We often say of course we do I’m happy and then after the “but” starts.¬†

Do we love ourselves enough accept where we are in life and what we survived from our past? Better question, can we?

We’re warriors, when we fall we get up stronger. When I look the the scars on my skin it’s a beautiful reminder that I didn’t give in. I have kept the hope alive and found the strength inside to continue. We all have. Yet, the struggles will remain. That’s when a choice comes into play, do we¬†give up or so we continue to fight?

Always continue to fight. When you’re tired, fight. When darkness closes in, fight to see the light. The outcome will always be worth the fight. Accept the fact that you made it through.¬†Accept the scars you were dealt with. They’re battle scars, a reminder you made it through. Be your own sunshine, your reason to take that first breath in the morning.¬†

Keep the hope alive!

 

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