Uncategorized

Having Lupus is a neitver ending learning experience. 5 months after my divorce and endless tests I was diagnosed with Lupus. If my life wasn’t already in turmoil this was the cherry on top. The only thing I kept thinking about was why me and what did I do wrong. I kept blaming myself when in reality there was nothing I did. 

It was scarier than my divorce. I’m one of those people who tends to be afraid of the unknown. So my doctor explaining it to me was terrifying.  At the time I didn’t know how my life would change and how it would effect me. 

Living a “normal life” is difficult at times. When taking a shower becomes the enemy changes your life. Being tired is a norm no matter how many others you sleep. Your bones ache more than other people your age. It can be hard for others to relate to what you’re going through so keeping it to yoirself becomes normal too.

It I can be challenging to not let others know the pain you might be feeling. So what do we do? Do we hide? Do we lie to our loved ones that everything is ok? The answer to those questions is simply no.

One of the biggest things you can have at your side are friends and family. The support system makes a true difference. I’m blessed because I also have my boyfriend. He reminds me to back down when I’m doing too much. I’m so independent that I will tackle Every. Single. Task. With no regard to my body giving me hints to rest. 

After my divorce I was so used to doing everything on my own because I had no other choice. So letting someone else handle things has been a learning curve for me. Stubbornness I tell you! 

All in all, I’m ready for the challenges that it can bring into my life. Am I still scared? Sure I am but I’m not letting it take over my life and stop me from living. One good day can end up leading to 3 bad days. Yet, every single day is worth fighting for. 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly. 

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse, the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt sadness, anger, grief, peace, and everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still. Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ❤

 Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience. We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other relationships we thought would be our last because the bond was so strong but reality hit us without knowing or even a warning. 

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together. 

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

Being diagnosed with Lupus for two years has made me still for the first time in my life. We all do it. We go, go, and go without a second thought it’s just how life is. I never once thought of myself I always put myself on the back burner because there were other things to worry about first. I never truly established who I am, truly. It seems calm at first like the morning sea yet can turn into a turbulent storm. The quote ” Not all who are wandering, are lost” rings true for me. I have wandered on my own path more in the past 2 years after being divorced than any other time of my life.

When I feel as though I’m on the right track I get diverted onto a new path I never knew. It has to be themes scariest feeling at the age of 27 of just now discovering who you are, why you are the way you are, and accepting it all. There are times (like now) that my lupus has me sit and stay put. This is when the mind wanders and I have time to think. Time to do me. Time to figure out my next step in life. Lupus should have never been the reason for this new discovery and journey in my life, but it was. The pain, illness, and everything in between brought me to who I am today. I was forced to center myself, to take care of myself. 

This is when I rediscover new things about myself and how important it is not to be yourself last. You have to come first in all that you do day after day. You are just as important as anything else in this world. You matter.

Wander as far as it will take you, enjoy the journey. 

We’ve all been there, when we lose all hope because we keep getting knocked down. What we want doesn’t happen when *we* expect it to. Life happens to put a dark rain cloud over our head that we can’t seem to shake. In my short life I have learned that when all hope is lost, there’s only one person I can turn to. It’s during these times that you’ll also find out who your true friends are and who really has your back. Our expectations on how our life should be is what creates the storm inside of us. 

We tend to worry about the things we lost in life whether it is physical items or memories from the past. Instead of worrying about the things we’ve may have lost, rejoice the biggest blessing you have, LIFE!

Your phone can be replaced

Personal items can be replaced

The house can be rebuilt

You have one life and one life only, that is your superpower during tough times.

You may not see it now but you are so blessed. We all go through tough times, life just happens that way. How we get through the storm is what truly matters. Storms never last forever, sail with faith and get through it without harm.

When it becomes to hard to stand, kneel.

Sometimes we have the power to try and save others. When we see someone care about going down a dark road we try our hardest to stop that journey from happening. Its within us to help others, its human nature.

One of the hardest things for me to do is realizing how far I’m willing to go to help another person. Sometimes I will go so far that I end up risking my health or more because I’m only focused on the one I’m helping.

I have come to realize that not everyone can be saved if they don’t want to save themselves. This can end up feeling like you lost a loved one and that the battle is done. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel like this. It’s ok to hurt, to go through the motions. You are human.

Do not save others and risk your life in the process. Let the other person attempt the changes, knowledge them. Help when needed but know when to step back. It might not always be easy, if can be a downright struggle. Don’t start breaking down your own road to save someone else’s who doesn’t want a better life.

You cannot control the depth of a wound another soul inflicts on you. You can control if your willing to endure their struggles.

We are what we think.

We are what we focus on.

But how do we manifest the laws of attraction?

Our thoughts determine where our day will go and what energy will come your way. We have all had those days where something small will seem to ruin your day. I’ve been there, recently. Something so small ruined my day and brought in so much bad energy. The bad energy is what I brought in myself. We are what we think.

Where we put our attention should always focus on what we want in life not what we don’t want. Fear comes into play into this. Instead think of what gets you excited and what’s to cone.

Intention is the next step to attracting good energy. What do you see yourself accomplishing? When? With who? This should all be focused on positive energy and one with the universe.

Action is the last step. Let go of any bad attachments and fear. Here is the hard part. You have to let go and let the universe take over. We are so used to taking control and making things work. This is what can bring on stress and bad energy. Focus on what is in front of you.

Trust the timing of your life!

You are where you need to be in the present moment!