Personal

Back to Square One… Again

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so¬†much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been¬†difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a¬†magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were¬†around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through¬†the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly.¬†

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the¬†distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of¬†the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse,¬†the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt¬†sadness, anger,¬†grief, peace, and¬†everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still.¬†Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new¬†beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and¬†forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

 

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ‚̧

 

 

 

Love and Breakups.. is it Worth the Pain?

¬†Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience.¬†We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to¬†ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other¬†relationships we thought¬†would be our last¬†because the bond was so strong but¬†reality hit us without knowing or even a warning.¬†

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The¬†universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together.¬†

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

 

Finding Yourself

Being¬†diagnosed with Lupus for two years has made me still for the first time in my life. We all do it. We go, go, and go without a second thought it’s just how life is. I never once thought of myself I always put myself on the¬†back burner¬†because there were other things to worry about first. I never truly established who I am, truly. It seems calm at first like the morning sea yet can turn into a¬†turbulent storm. The¬†quote ”¬†Not all who are wandering, are lost” rings true for me. I have wandered on my own path more in the past 2 years after being¬†divorced than any other time of my life.

When I feel as though I’m on the right track I get diverted onto a new path I never knew. It has to be¬†themes scariest feeling at the age of 27 of just now discovering who you are, why you are the way you are, and accepting it all. There are times (like now) that my lupus has me sit and stay put. This is when¬†the mind wanders and I have time to think. Time to do me. Time to figure out my next step in life. Lupus should¬†have¬†never been the reason for this new discovery and journey in my life, but it was. The pain, illness, and everything in between brought me to who I am today. I was forced to center myself, to take care of myself.¬†

This is when I rediscover new things about myself and how important it is not to be yourself last. You have to come first in all that you do day after day. You are just as important as anything else in this world. You matter.

Wander as far as it will take you, enjoy the journey. 

 

You Had a Setback, But Are You Ready For Your Setup??

We’ve all been there, when we lose all hope because we keep getting knocked down. What we want doesn’t happen when *we* expect it to. Life happens to put a dark rain cloud over our head that we can’t seem to shake. In my short life I have learned that when all hope is lost, there’s only one person I can turn to. It’s during these times that you’ll also find out who your true friends are and who really has your back. Our expectations on how our life should be is what creates the storm inside of us.¬†

We tend to worry about the things we lost in life whether it is physical items or memories from the past. Instead of worrying about the things we’ve may have lost, rejoice the biggest blessing you have, LIFE!

Your phone can be replaced

Personal items can be replaced

The house can be rebuilt

You have one life and one life only, that is your superpower during tough times.

You may not see it now but you are so blessed. We all go through tough times, life just happens that way. How we get through the storm is what truly matters. Storms never last forever, sail with faith and get through it without harm.

When it becomes to hard to stand, kneel.

The Yes Girl

We’ve all¬†been there (men too) to agreeing to everything that comes our way. That is my¬†problem in life.¬†

“Hey we changed your schedule last minute thats cool right?” Yeah sure.

“Are you really ok?” Yeah

I’m a yes¬†girl

I have a problem with telling people no. I don’t like to disappointment people or let them down. I feel as though I have to defend why I’m saying no. I can’t deal with seeing it in¬†their eyes so I just go along with it.

I wasn’t always the yes girl believe it or not. When I was between 18-21 I was so much more¬†assertive and more¬†carefree.¬†Confronting problems was¬†never an issue to me. How people saw me never mattered because I loved myself more. So what changed?? I seriously ask myself this question all the time! I’m still not¬†sure where I went wrong and how my personality changed so much. After¬†while I got used to making others happy and forgot to do the same with myself. I started to put myself last. Instead of being the outgoing person I used to be, I started to be shy and¬†sheltered. Now I worry if I upset others and jump to rescue the¬†situation.

This is when I¬†realized it was¬†turning into a problem,¬†especially when it came to my personality. When looking and thinking about it, it sends me into panic.¬†Prioritizing my mental¬†health has¬†given me the courage to say no.¬†Realizing that I needed help gave my¬†strength to go down this¬†journey. My boyfriend helped me realize that I was hurting myself more than helping myself when trying to help others. It made me sad that I got into this emotional state in my life but I was also proud of myself to getting to where I am now. It is an on going process and learning experience very similar to a roller coaster ride. I’m excited to see¬†where I go from here and¬†truly spending time with myself!

 

Lessons in Life

No one likes having storms in our lives. They bring in the thunder, lighting, and be¬†destructive. We usually try our hardest in life to¬†keep these storms out of our lives but when it comes to life they have to come. There are times in our lives that need these storms. Yes, I said it! Storms are needed in our lives. Through the pain, destruction, and loss there are only lessons we can learn from when going through storms. How would we know how strong we truly are if we weren’t tested? There¬†are storms in my life I wish didn’t happen but it taught me so¬†much about¬†myself. To this day those lessons are still teaching me as I tackle every moment of my life. Through the toughest storms of my life taught me that with faith and God there is so much strength in this woman. There will be times where we feel that giving up seems like¬†the better option, I’ve been down that fork in the road. Believe in your faith and where it will lead you, follow your heart. Be silent, be still, talk with God. We learn who we truly are in storms. Our inner being. Our character. Will we quit or fight for who we love and hold dear? This is when that question gets answered. It will lead to loving ourselves, who we really are. Loving ourselves means so much more than others loving us. It will calm you.¬†

Welcome the storms in your life. See what they bring.

Dance in the rain until you see the rainbow again!

Highs and Lows

There are¬†times our life that we feel like we’re on cloud nine in life. That nothing can go¬†wrong,¬†everything is perfect. Those are the best times in our life and what we look forward. Yet, when an event happens in our life our world¬†crashes around us. How can we be so high and yet¬†drop from heaven and fall so quickly?¬†How¬†do you get through the lows in life? How do you see the light when it’s so far away?

People say just be happy or¬†get over it but don’t help to show you how. There is no play by play book about life and how to handle¬†the lows. I have been through the lowest of the lows, when I saw no other way out. I crawled out and went through fire to get where I am today. How did I do it? To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell you. I kept walking, when I want to curl up in a ball and give up I kept going. I didn’t know where I was going but I kept going. I had very close people in my life that helped me get through but they might as well have been talking a different language. This was one of those journeys I had to do on my own. I clawed my way out, kicking and screaming until I felt alive again. When I wanted to live, I found my purpose to breathe. I was my own world. I was my reason.¬†

Sometimes you win some and you lose some, at that point I was losing bad. I got up and fell. I couldn’t see the light. Thinking of the where I wanted to be, how I wanted to see my life to be pushed me¬†forward. I was put on this Earth for a reason and I sure as hell going to figure out why.¬†

When got created mountains and oceans and galaxies he looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too. 

You are here for a reason

You were created and were meant to be here

Continue the journey even when times are hard

When all you see is darkness look at the stars, look at how they shine for you 

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