abuse

Back to Square One… Again

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly. 

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse, the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt sadness, anger, grief, peace, and everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still. Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

 

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ❤

 

 

 

Highs and Lows

There are times our life that we feel like we’re on cloud nine in life. That nothing can go wrong, everything is perfect. Those are the best times in our life and what we look forward. Yet, when an event happens in our life our world crashes around us. How can we be so high and yet drop from heaven and fall so quickly? How do you get through the lows in life? How do you see the light when it’s so far away?

People say just be happy or get over it but don’t help to show you how. There is no play by play book about life and how to handle the lows. I have been through the lowest of the lows, when I saw no other way out. I crawled out and went through fire to get where I am today. How did I do it? To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell you. I kept walking, when I want to curl up in a ball and give up I kept going. I didn’t know where I was going but I kept going. I had very close people in my life that helped me get through but they might as well have been talking a different language. This was one of those journeys I had to do on my own. I clawed my way out, kicking and screaming until I felt alive again. When I wanted to live, I found my purpose to breathe. I was my own world. I was my reason. 

Sometimes you win some and you lose some, at that point I was losing bad. I got up and fell. I couldn’t see the light. Thinking of the where I wanted to be, how I wanted to see my life to be pushed me forward. I was put on this Earth for a reason and I sure as hell going to figure out why. 

When got created mountains and oceans and galaxies he looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too. 

You are here for a reason

You were created and were meant to be here

Continue the journey even when times are hard

When all you see is darkness look at the stars, look at how they shine for you 

Forgiveness

We usually care hardships with us. People who have hurt us, betrayed us, and sometimes broke us. One of my biggest problems in life is forgiving someone who hurt me. Forgiving my ex husband took over 5 years. From the time the abuse started, to the divorce, and to the present day. Why is forgiveness so hard to do?

Most people say “do it for you not them” but it’s usually easy to say and hard to do. I have learned that forgiveness isn’t something you can simple do. Your heart, mind, and soul have to be at peace. I admit at the time my heart, mind, and soul looked like a dark storm with no end in sight. Family and friends among us think that it shouldn’t take us long. Most of my family said leave it to God and let it be.

Yet, my faith was gone and I was lost. The hurt and abuse broke me like no other. I lost my way and when trying to put the broken pieces of myself back together I ended up doing more damage. When I least expected it someone saw the good in me when I didn’t see it in myself. 

Last year I could finally say I forgave him and other people. It takes time to forgive others who have hurt you. Do not feel rushed in doing so. Take time where it is quiet and reflect. Putting yourself back together doesn’t have to be painful but it does start a life journey. And in the process the hurt that was done to you will be more of a chapter you closed instead of a nightmare you’re living. That is when you know your ready 💜

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