After taking a break for a month or so I’ve never felt so alive yet also feeling so lost. Such a crazy combination when you think about it. My life has been been the greatest it has been in years and the happiest. Yet, apart of me is still struggling to realize that I deserve every inch of God’s grace he’s given me. I’ve put my heart back together and continued to do so when I cut myself in the process. Coming so far yet feeling like no strides have been made. Like more should of been done in that time, feeling defeated when in actuality we won that phase of our lives. I survived such hell and survived domestic violence yet at times I still act like a victim.
Why do we put ourselves down when we have no true reason to?
It leads too others seeing our true soul and sometimes it’s something we don’t want others to see. We’re so vulnerable in this state we can’t hide what is eating us on the inside. Then reality hits us, do we love ourselves? Truly love ourselves? We often say of course we do I’m happy and then after the “but” starts.
Do we love ourselves enough accept where we are in life and what we survived from our past? Better question, can we?
We’re warriors, when we fall we get up stronger. When I look the the scars on my skin it’s a beautiful reminder that I didn’t give in. I have kept the hope alive and found the strength inside to continue. We all have. Yet, the struggles will remain. That’s when a choice comes into play, do we give up or so we continue to fight?
Always continue to fight. When you’re tired, fight. When darkness closes in, fight to see the light. The outcome will always be worth the fight. Accept the fact that you made it through. Accept the scars you were dealt with. They’re battle scars, a reminder you made it through. Be your own sunshine, your reason to take that first breath in the morning.
Keep the hope alive!
There are times where I get survivor’s guilt. It’s a feeling I can’t hide or help at times. Being a survivor of domestic violence gives me strength to tackle the next day. Yet, at times I have guilt about surviving while others didn’t. Watching shows, movies, and even reading articles. They hit my heart hard and it’s hard to shake. Sometimes, I question on why and how did I survive. Why did I get to live while others didn’t. It’s a hard feeling to shake at times. When you feel like you “fully” recovered and it’s in the past, it sneaks back up on you. It creeps back in when you thought you shut the door and sealed the cracks of you heart and soul. Are all days like this? No. Some days I don’t even think about it and I’m truly happy. Other days it sneaks back into my life and I get silent. How do you truly get over something that has changed your life forever? I’m still finding that out along the way. It is never an easy road. I’ve tried taking short cuts and ended up at dead ends. I’ve taken the long way and ended up lost. But are we truly lost if we wander in our own journey through rediscovery? I’m Finding new pieces to my life and new things about myself. It’s like rediscovering my inner being of who I truly am. Domestic violence tears you apart in every faction of the way. It messes with you mentally and physically for the rest of your life. Yet, we are not broken. We are not the black sheep of society. We are human. We survived. We live on for others who didn’t have the chance. We let our stories and their stories be told until there is no hurt in the world.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just sit back and actually think about how far your life has come? Where you used to be and where you are now? That’s where I am today.
Two years ago I was in a marriage that involved domestic violence, both verbal and physical abuse. At that time I thought I had no way out and that this was always going to be my life, to live in fear. I forgot what life was and how to live. At times I didn’t want to live just because it was painful. I was lost and confused about how I got to this point in my life. It lasted from 2010 to the time I had the courage and strength to leave.
Last year I had the courage to leave my ex husband and ended up at my mothers front door. Crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do. My temporary stay turned into me staying in Texas long term. Finding myself has harder than I thought it was going to be. I still find out new things about myself daily, it’s a never ending learning experience. The divorce was painful, nothing about it was easy. The emotions that get brought up during those six months was walking through a dream you can’t wake up from. His surprise visits trying, the emails, and continuous contact was hell served on a silver platter. Yet, I never backed down and I never went back.
Present day, my life is simply blessed. Do the memories every truly fade away? no they don’t. Instead of scars they are lessons for me. My past can never be changed so I have learned to embrace it and help others find their way. My life is nothing less than beautiful. The man in my life has been a blessing in more ways than one. I’m closer to my family. I have finally learned how to live and live for me.
So I tell you this story not for sympathy but for strength. Have the courage to live the life you dreamt of. Have the strength to claw your way out of hell and back into the light. We all have the power to choose how we life our life. So why not choose to be happy and enjoy what God has given us?