As my graduation from my University approaches I started thinking about what how much I fought to get where I am. Now let’s take a step back a few years.
High school was never easy for me. Fitting in wasn’t my thing, it was harder than what others may have gone through. Being biracial was hard because I didn’t just fit into one group, I mostly had to pick and choose. Being teased about it didn’t make it much easier. I ended up learning it never mattered what I looked on the exterior what what I had to offer from interior. It prepared me for the journey that I would have to take.
Back to the present.
I have honestly let the negativity I have experienced fuel my ambitions in life. If someone said I couldn’t do it, I’d prove them wrong no matter how long it took me. I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Leaving my abusive ex husband was my biggest test of all. I never had the intention of letting anyone see me fail, especially him. I took control of my life for the first time in years. We can get through anything in life, we have the strength within us to do so. We just have to believe it!
We will always come across conflict and turbulence in life. Getting there in one piece usually never happens, it’s just an extra journey. I see it as a scenic route at this point in life. We will end up getting to our destination in our own time, we just have to enjoy the journey. We can’t have a beautiful garden without a few rain showers along the way and when it blooms it will the most beautiful view you have ever seen.
Understanding love seems to be like trying understand every aspect of the universe. It can end up being the most difficult thing to obtain and keep at times. While other times it’s as easy as breathing.
So do we give up on the aspect of what love should be or continue and strive for moments and memories it can bring? I have been fighting with this since I went through my divorce. If love is supposed to be the most wonderful aspect of life, why does it end up hurting you?
Having only one thought of what it should be gets us in trouble. It isn’t how Disney shows it to be in movies. The hardships is what strengthens the bond between two people. The lack of the strength and faith is what seems to make people fall apart.
Something worth having will never come easy. Strive for more with each other but most importantly don’t give up on each other. If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for.
Having Lupus has to be one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Some days I have all the energy in the world. Other days I can’t even leave my bed. It’s been a learning curve for me daily, no day is ever the same.
Sometimes finding the will power to continue on is hard. I’d be lying if I said I was strong 100% of time. I feel like this goes for anything else in life.
Giving up seems great and all until you think about the people who love and depend on you. That is the core of what keeps us going. Knowing we aren’t alone. Will the pain cease to exist? Will it disappear one day like it never happened? Probably not but there are good things that come from it.
Good things from Lupus? Yes, I know hard to believe but there is. You get to understand your body and inner being more. Seeing friends and loved ones there for you willing to help at any time. You enjoy life more because tomorrow is never promised.
Don’t let the fear of tomorrow ruin your day. Find the strength in each day to continue. Take the time and pray. Giving up should never be an option. When you feel like giving up lean on those around you, love will keep you going.
There are times where I get survivor’s guilt. It’s a feeling I can’t hide or help at times. Being a survivor of domestic violence gives me strength to tackle the next day. Yet, at times I have guilt about surviving while others didn’t. Watching shows, movies, and even reading articles. They hit my heart hard and it’s hard to shake. Sometimes, I question on why and how did I survive. Why did I get to live while others didn’t. It’s a hard feeling to shake at times. When you feel like you “fully” recovered and it’s in the past, it sneaks back up on you. It creeps back in when you thought you shut the door and sealed the cracks of you heart and soul. Are all days like this? No. Some days I don’t even think about it and I’m truly happy. Other days it sneaks back into my life and I get silent. How do you truly get over something that has changed your life forever? I’m still finding that out along the way. It is never an easy road. I’ve tried taking short cuts and ended up at dead ends. I’ve taken the long way and ended up lost. But are we truly lost if we wander in our own journey through rediscovery? I’m Finding new pieces to my life and new things about myself. It’s like rediscovering my inner being of who I truly am. Domestic violence tears you apart in every faction of the way. It messes with you mentally and physically for the rest of your life. Yet, we are not broken. We are not the black sheep of society. We are human. We survived. We live on for others who didn’t have the chance. We let our stories and their stories be told until there is no hurt in the world.
The more I think about the future the more excited I get about it. Sometimes the future can scare us, give us anxiety, or give us joy. Sometimes it can do all of the above. I have had a habit of thinking of the negative that can happen instead of the good. It’s always been a habit of mine, some of my life events just encouraged that aspect of my life to stay longer than it should. With graduation closing on in I have only thinking of the positive things to come and for once I haven’t second guessed myself by it. There is always something positive to look forward to. We have to find the rainbow between the storms. It may not always be easy but even the lightning can guide us. Seek happiness when thinking of the future. You never truly know the blessings coming your way.
I have come to notice that I have a problem of over extending myself. Whether it’s from college, life, and work. We tend to over extend ourselves until we are 100% stressed out and at our wits end. Why do we do so much until we’re on empty? I know I’m not the only one on this boat.
Having Lupus makes it much harder because stress just tears down my body. I tend to break out, have exhaustion, panic attacks etc. Stress is just killer for me among other things. So how do we destress from life? How do you relax during a busy week? Is there really a way not to stress about life in general? Those seem to be the million dollar questions we’re all seeking and yet the answer is not a simple yes or no. Our actions can calm the storm or we can add to the thunder and destruction.
Overly stressing about stress because I’m stressed is my problem. What I’ve been doing lately is mediating, using aromatherapy oils in a diffuser, and reading. Meditating seems to help calm my mind and bring silence to the chaos around me. Focusing on peace, being one with yourself, being one with the world around you. It bring me back down to earth and gets me ready for the day. Aromatherapy oils are simply amazing. Since i’ve been diffusing them nightly, I sleep better and I can find peace much quicker. Reading just takes you to another world. It can help you forget what is happening around you while still calming your mind and body.
I share these little tips so they can help you as much as they’ve helped me. We tend to have flare ups because we hit a bump along the way and forget to destress. They are simply learning curves on what and what not to do. We are human. We make mistakes. We can get through anything if we have enough courage to. So relax, we have one life don’t live it stressing it all away.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just sit back and actually think about how far your life has come? Where you used to be and where you are now? That’s where I am today.
Two years ago I was in a marriage that involved domestic violence, both verbal and physical abuse. At that time I thought I had no way out and that this was always going to be my life, to live in fear. I forgot what life was and how to live. At times I didn’t want to live just because it was painful. I was lost and confused about how I got to this point in my life. It lasted from 2010 to the time I had the courage and strength to leave.
Last year I had the courage to leave my ex husband and ended up at my mothers front door. Crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do. My temporary stay turned into me staying in Texas long term. Finding myself has harder than I thought it was going to be. I still find out new things about myself daily, it’s a never ending learning experience. The divorce was painful, nothing about it was easy. The emotions that get brought up during those six months was walking through a dream you can’t wake up from. His surprise visits trying, the emails, and continuous contact was hell served on a silver platter. Yet, I never backed down and I never went back.
Present day, my life is simply blessed. Do the memories every truly fade away? no they don’t. Instead of scars they are lessons for me. My past can never be changed so I have learned to embrace it and help others find their way. My life is nothing less than beautiful. The man in my life has been a blessing in more ways than one. I’m closer to my family. I have finally learned how to live and live for me.
So I tell you this story not for sympathy but for strength. Have the courage to live the life you dreamt of. Have the strength to claw your way out of hell and back into the light. We all have the power to choose how we life our life. So why not choose to be happy and enjoy what God has given us?
So something happened today that I couldn’t help but share with you. Have you ever been disappointed at joy that felt like it was stolen from you? Like it was turn from you when you wished for it so?
This happened to me today. I thought for the better half of October that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant. The thought of it for my boyfriend and I brought us nothing but joy. So why not be excited about the thought of a little blessing. To my dismay, we aren’t. I felt angry, sad, and just about every other emotion out there you could think of. Why? Why was that little piece of joy taken from us? I was at a point where I didn’t want to think and I may never understand how my broken heart is apart of God’s plan.
So instead of feeding into the emotions too much I had to go outside and just breathe and listen. Listen to the quiet, so the quiet can calm my sadness and calm my heart. I now understand that it is simply not our time yet. Patience isn’t my strong suit in life but I know I can’t rush this in our life. I don’t blame myself, my love, or God.
Waiting for that positive sign on a pregnancy test can be the most heartbreaking feeling a woman can go through. The longest 30 seconds of a wait, the most excitement you will ever feel, or the most sadness you may experience. When you try and try and try with no results happening it can lead you to a bottomless pit. As I tear up from writing this I also feel strength from it. I just have to remember you’re God and I am not.
So I tell you this, don’t let the results get you down. When that positive sign happens to show up, embrace that blessing and share that with your spouse. If the results aren’t positive do not let that weaken your faith. Keep the faith. Keep the love between your spouse going. Keep hope in your heart.
Keep trying and always know you’re not alone in this journey.