faith

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

It’s one of those late night writing sessions. The one’s where all you hear is silence and the wind lightly blowing outside. When your thoughts and dreams come back alive even its just for a few hours. 

There is something to be said for nights like this. When all seems to be right in your world and all you feel is peace. There are times where we think our world is at our darkest  but we forget that on the darkest of nights the stars shine bright. It’s so important to take time and look into all the good in your life although their might be darkness. 

Take time to notice what the universe has given you and what is to come.

Have peace in your heart 

Have peace in your soul

Spread the positivity within you as you start this week ❤

It’s been forever since I’ve written on my site, but today something brought me back. In the past month or so the nightmares have come back and my world went dark. The anxiety and distress was there. When I woke up, when I was at work, and when I went to sleep. It followed me like a shadow, never leaving my side. I kept denying that anything had changed and went about my life as usual. Now looking back I knew I was in denial. Taking that step back is a hard pill to shallow because it feels like I failed yet again.

How can someone so far still haunt you?

It is a forever battle between our mind and in our heart. A battle others may not truly understand but you and thats ok too. Some battles are won with just one person, you. As long as you fight the battle has already been won. Accepting that you deserve the life you always prayed for is step one. That is the foundation that will not get destroyed when the storm comes in. Refuse to give up hope, refuse to give up on faith. 

 We all have those moments where we will put everything in front of ourselves. We help others before we help ourselves. Giving the last of us to someone else in need who needs it more. Yet, when it comes down to us we tend to skip ourselves.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and fight for us. We deserve the same treatment we give to others who may need help. One off my favorite quotes is “If what’s ahead scares you and what’s behind hurts you, then look up.” It has brought me back each time when all I saw was darkness. Let it bring light to your world when darkness creeps in.

When we save everyone else, who will save us?

We are our own hero in our story so make it amazing

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly. 

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse, the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt sadness, anger, grief, peace, and everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still. Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ❤

We’ve all been there, when we lose all hope because we keep getting knocked down. What we want doesn’t happen when *we* expect it to. Life happens to put a dark rain cloud over our head that we can’t seem to shake. In my short life I have learned that when all hope is lost, there’s only one person I can turn to. It’s during these times that you’ll also find out who your true friends are and who really has your back. Our expectations on how our life should be is what creates the storm inside of us. 

We tend to worry about the things we lost in life whether it is physical items or memories from the past. Instead of worrying about the things we’ve may have lost, rejoice the biggest blessing you have, LIFE!

Your phone can be replaced

Personal items can be replaced

The house can be rebuilt

You have one life and one life only, that is your superpower during tough times.

You may not see it now but you are so blessed. We all go through tough times, life just happens that way. How we get through the storm is what truly matters. Storms never last forever, sail with faith and get through it without harm.

When it becomes to hard to stand, kneel.

We are what we think.

We are what we focus on.

But how do we manifest the laws of attraction?

Our thoughts determine where our day will go and what energy will come your way. We have all had those days where something small will seem to ruin your day. I’ve been there, recently. Something so small ruined my day and brought in so much bad energy. The bad energy is what I brought in myself. We are what we think.

Where we put our attention should always focus on what we want in life not what we don’t want. Fear comes into play into this. Instead think of what gets you excited and what’s to cone.

Intention is the next step to attracting good energy. What do you see yourself accomplishing? When? With who? This should all be focused on positive energy and one with the universe.

Action is the last step. Let go of any bad attachments and fear. Here is the hard part. You have to let go and let the universe take over. We are so used to taking control and making things work. This is what can bring on stress and bad energy. Focus on what is in front of you.

Trust the timing of your life!

You are where you need to be in the present moment!

Such a simple word yet one with meaning and depth. Fear is a liar. Fear will tell you you’re not good enough and stop you right in your tracks. It is something we try to keep out our lives yet something that easily comes into our life when we aren’t paying attention. You are not your past mistakes.

Why do we give into fear so easily? Once we knowledge it, it latches on like a leach. So how do we keep it away when it is so unwanted?

Be happy. Be blessed.

Today is a good day to be alive so we should be living it as such. Dont let fear steal your happiness!

Remember that you are good enough.

Remember you are beautiful.

Remember you are wanted.

Do not let fear ruin your life. You have come to far to give into it.