love

The Ultimate Pain

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all 
alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

 

 

Its Time

It’s been forever since I’ve written on my site, but today something brought me back. In the past month or so the nightmares have come back and my world went dark. The anxiety and distress was there. When I woke up, when I was at work, and when I went to sleep. It followed me like a shadow, never leaving my side. I kept denying that anything had changed and went about my life as usual. Now looking back I knew I was in denial. Taking that step back is a hard pill to shallow because it feels like I failed yet again.

How can someone so far still haunt you?

It is a forever battle between our mind and in our heart. A battle others may not truly understand but you and thats ok too. Some battles are won with just one person, you. As long as you fight the battle has already been won. Accepting that you deserve the life you always prayed for is step one. That is the foundation that will not get destroyed when the storm comes in. Refuse to give up hope, refuse to give up on faith. 

 We all have those moments where we will put everything in front of ourselves. We help others before we help ourselves. Giving the last of us to someone else in need who needs it more. Yet, when it comes down to us we tend to skip ourselves.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and fight for us. We deserve the same treatment we give to others who may need help. One off my favorite quotes is “If what’s ahead scares you and what’s behind hurts you, then look up.” It has brought me back each time when all I saw was darkness. Let it bring light to your world when darkness creeps in.

 

 

When we save everyone else, who will save us?

We are our own hero in our story so make it amazing

 

 

Back to Square One… Again

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this website came to be and what brought me to this point in my life to have so much courage to speak out. It’s hard for me to get raw and let others see in, it’s always been difficult.Yet, for this post it’s needed and also needed for me. So grab a cup of tea or something stronger we both might need it.

Lighthouses have always been a magnet for me this my divorce and moments following up to it. I felt peace I’ve never felt before when looking at them. It was like it was calling me home (sounds silly but that was the vibe it sent to me). They were around when I was going through my divorce. It was there through the aftermath and through the darkness. Lighthouses have a way of calling us home, showing us the way back. It showed me the way back to where I needed to be. Lighthouse Survivors came to me almost instantly. 

Recently on vacation our hotel room faced the ocean and yes you guessed it, there was a lighthouse within view. It almost felt like it was meant to be. At night I would see the lights go off in the distance and darkness yet tranquil ocean within its midst. It had to be one of the most tranquil feelings I’ve ever felt yet scariest. In the past 3 years I thought I forgave and let go of my past. The abuse, the pain, the darkness, everything! But when I looked out at night I felt something different. So one of the nights I was there I walked out to the ocean on my own. I sat on the beach and looked out to the lighthouse, every emotion possible came over me. I finally let everything go. I felt sadness, anger, grief, peace, and everything else under the moon that night. I spent over an hour crying, praying, and just being still. Every night after that I walked the beach at night just so I could be close to the lighthouse. I felt peace I have never felt before, it was like a new beginning… like I was reborn again. The ocean was and forever will be my home.

Whether you are a survivor of domestic violence, substance abuse, suicide, cancer, or just getting the strength to continue another day. Let me tell you truly that you are not alone. The darkness does not stay forever, the darker the storm the brighter the rainbow will be. Do not give not matter how hard it may be to continue. Abuse of any kind is a scar we will always carry with us but let it be a reminder of how far your have come and what you have survived. The one thing I have learned through it all, is that the darkest of nights produce the brightest stars. Do not fear the dark.

 

Be brighter than the fire that surrounds you. 

Look for your lighthouse ❤

 

 

 

Love and Breakups.. is it Worth the Pain?

 Love is always described as the best thing on Earth but also can be described as the most painful experience. We have all been through that everlasting love that we thought would last forever. I sure did go through one heck of a fairytale yet after the breakup occurs we say to ourselves ” what the heck was I thinking”. While other relationships we thought would be our last because the bond was so strong but reality hit us without knowing or even a warning. 

I have been through it all. The relationship to the heartbreak. The marriage to the divorce. Both were just as painful as the previous heartbreaks. Yet, we put the pieces of  our heart back together. Piece by piece, cutting our selves along the way as we piece ourselves back together. Not all love stories end in heart break but we have all experienced at least one painful experience if not multiple. 

Why do we piece ourselves back together after heartbreak and go in search of love again? I asked myself this when I was going through my divorce two years ago. I told myself I was not going to get into another serious relationship for as long as I could. The universe something else planned for me and love came knocking on my door again. As much as I tried to nail the door shut for as long as I could, I opened it. It was such a scary move for me, taking that chance on love once again. I took the chance and a year later we’re still together. 

Love should be experienced in our lifetime. Sharing that feeling with someone who truly loves you is a beautiful thing. Love should not be feared but embraced with everything we have. Love is strong so when we love, we love hard. We love with every inch of our being. We love to the point we would bring each star down from the sky to brighten our spouses day. 

Breakups will happen from time to time but to truly know what love is, breakups are needed. We will always be able to put ourselves back together. We were whole before them, we will be whole again without them. But do not fear love, embrace it with passion.

Love will always be worth it even when we experience the storms that come with it.

 

Fear

Such a simple word yet one with meaning and depth. Fear is a liar. Fear will tell you you’re not good enough and stop you right in your tracks. It is something we try to keep out our lives yet something that easily comes into our life when we aren’t paying attention. You are not your past mistakes.

Why do we give into fear so easily? Once we knowledge it, it latches on like a leach. So how do we keep it away when it is so unwanted?

Be happy. Be blessed.

Today is a good day to be alive so we should be living it as such. Dont let fear steal your happiness!

Remember that you are good enough.

Remember you are beautiful.

Remember you are wanted.

Do not let fear ruin your life. You have come to far to give into it.

Lessons in Life

No one likes having storms in our lives. They bring in the thunder, lighting, and be destructive. We usually try our hardest in life to keep these storms out of our lives but when it comes to life they have to come. There are times in our lives that need these storms. Yes, I said it! Storms are needed in our lives. Through the pain, destruction, and loss there are only lessons we can learn from when going through storms. How would we know how strong we truly are if we weren’t tested? There are storms in my life I wish didn’t happen but it taught me so much about myself. To this day those lessons are still teaching me as I tackle every moment of my life. Through the toughest storms of my life taught me that with faith and God there is so much strength in this woman. There will be times where we feel that giving up seems like the better option, I’ve been down that fork in the road. Believe in your faith and where it will lead you, follow your heart. Be silent, be still, talk with God. We learn who we truly are in storms. Our inner being. Our character. Will we quit or fight for who we love and hold dear? This is when that question gets answered. It will lead to loving ourselves, who we really are. Loving ourselves means so much more than others loving us. It will calm you. 

Welcome the storms in your life. See what they bring.

Dance in the rain until you see the rainbow again!

Benefits of Spending Time Alone

Ok, you guys probably think I enjoy being alone at this point but it never used to be this way. I used to hate being alone, I never saw the value of being by myself. In today’s society being alone is looked down upon. Whether you just want to stay in a bit more or just being single. Over the past year I learned 5 essential aspects of being alone.

1) Being mindful: This is the time where you can calm your mind and process events throughout your day or even the week. This is also the time where meditation can come in handy. I don’t do it every single day but I do make it a habit of doing it at least twice a week. Whether you are speaking to God or the universe, it help calm the storm in your life.

2) Me time: This is something that I have had trouble with in the past. I would help and be with everyone else and not put any effort into myself. When our lives become so busy and hectic me time is needed. Whether it’s making a at home spa day, writing, or even reading take that time for yourself. You are worth it!

3) Facing our problems: Now this is a big one for most of us. Being alone can ultimately give you time to process what is going on in our lives whether it is good or bad. It can be easy to push it to the side and forget about it but it will probably end up coming up later. Taking time to deal with them alone, peacefully can make it easier when trying to tackle them.

4) Taking control: We make our own choices, we are ultimately the creator of our life. If you enjoy the outdoors, go on a peaceful stroll. If you like to read, grab a book and a hot cup of tea. Being alone shouldn’t make you feel weak, it should empower you. Do not let stress rule your life. Be present in your life!

5) Stop making excuses: If you are planning a “me time” do it. If you are overwhelmed with life at the moment and haven’t taken the time to focus on you, change it. We aren’t the energizer bunny, so stop and take a break. Take 10 minutes out of your day and focus on you. Love yourself!

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