Patience in all Things

Patience is not an easy thing for me and probably for some of you too. I have a tendency to want what I want when I want it. Not usually thinking of anything else. I was always raised to do things in life on my own so waiting on things to happen aren’t usually in my favor. 

Life has taught me that patience is truly a virtue. Nothing in life worth having will come easy. When it comes to relationships patience is still a problem for me. Expecting certain things or how I want them leads to a downfall at times. I’ve started taking a step back little by little and realizing how blessed I was. I had a loving man in my life who loved me without restraints. What I expected and what I had were two different things. What I had is such a blessing that what I expected didn’t compare. My love for him was worth me stepping back and simply having patience.

Not having patience can stop you from realizing what you already have. You always go and go and never stop. Stopping to notice what and who you have in life can bring you peace that you’ve been missing. Having patience is hard but once you notice all you have, it gets easier to live in the now and let go of everything else. 

Joy and Happiness

Holiday time has always been one of my favorite times of year. The Christmas decor, family gatherings, the feeling it brings. Holiday time seems to really make a house feel like a home during this time of year.

It’s also the time of year that we all feel super stressed. From the dinner parties, gifts, and fighting with crowded stores. Instead of feeling the joy that this season brings some of us tend to try to rush through it and not enjoy it.

I have fallen in the endless pit of making everything perfect instead of enjoying each moment we have with family and friends. Enjoy the little things! No gift or toy will ever replace those cherished moments with family. Give back to those who are less fortunate. Let us remind them that we care about them always. There are so many things we can all do to make the most of what we have. We just have to see it as blessings and blessing onto others.

Let us finish this year with loving one another and enjoying Gods gift! 🙂

Fears

Why does it seem that our fears take hold of our life? Fear of letting go. Fear of the future. Fear of the present. It’s an emotion that most won’t talk about simply because it shows weakness. Yet, when we don’t talk about it, it takes over our lives.

Living in fear is something I was used to being a domestic violence survivor. It is definitely not a way to live your life. Not only does it effect your life it also effects those around you. It shows in what you do and say.

Let us not be overcome by fear but instead live each day with happiness. Let us talk about our weaknesses and sadness without thinking what society may think of us. Don’t let fears hold you back, you are worth every inch of happiness in this world. Embrace it 🙂

Mind Over Matter

Having Lupus has to be one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Some days I have all the energy in the world. Other days I can’t even leave my bed. It’s been a learning curve for me daily, no day is ever the same. 

Sometimes finding the will power to continue on is hard. I’d be lying if I said I was strong 100% of time. I feel like this goes for anything else in life. 

Giving up seems great and all until you think about the people who love and depend on you. That is the core of what keeps us going. Knowing we aren’t alone. Will the pain cease to exist? Will it disappear one day like it never happened? Probably not but there are good things that come from it.

Good things from Lupus? Yes, I know hard to believe but there is. You get to understand your body and inner being more. Seeing friends and loved ones there for you willing to help at any time. You enjoy life more because tomorrow is never promised.

Don’t let the fear of tomorrow ruin your day. Find the strength in each day to continue. Take the time and pray. Giving up should never be an option. When you feel like giving up lean on those around you, love will keep you going.

That Feeling

There are times where I get survivor’s guilt. It’s a feeling I can’t hide or help at times. Being a survivor of domestic violence gives me strength to tackle the next day. Yet, at times I have guilt about surviving while others didn’t. Watching shows, movies, and even reading articles. They hit my heart hard and it’s hard to shake. Sometimes, I question on why and how did I survive. Why did I get to live while others didn’t. It’s a hard feeling to shake at times. When you feel like you “fully” recovered and it’s in the past, it sneaks back up on you. It creeps back in when you thought you shut the door and sealed the cracks of you heart and soul. Are all days like this? No. Some days I don’t even think about it and I’m truly happy. Other days it sneaks back into my life and I get silent. How do you truly get over something that has changed your life forever? I’m still finding that out along the way. It is never an easy road. I’ve tried taking short cuts and ended up at dead ends. I’ve taken the long way and ended up lost. But are we truly lost if we wander in our own journey through rediscovery? I’m Finding new pieces to my life and new things about myself. It’s like rediscovering my inner being of who I truly am. Domestic violence tears you apart in every faction of the way. It messes with you mentally and physically for the rest of your life. Yet, we are not broken. We are not the black sheep of society. We are human. We survived. We live on for others who didn’t have the chance. We let our stories and their stories be told until there is no hurt in the world.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Anxiety and panic attacks is something I have always suffered from. It started slowly when domestic violence happened in my marriage. In the beginning I didn’t occur to me what was happening. I alienated myself from the world before I know what was truly taking place. At times they still happen.

When the panic attacks happen it feels as though everything in life just stops. You start to sweat. You go into a major panic everything and nothing. Your heart wants to jump out your chest. You can barely breathe. It can be one of the most frightening things you’ll experience in life.

So I write this for others who have suffered the same experience or knows someone who has. Panic attacks do not change who you are, who you truly are. You can get through this. You’re strong and you are not alone. Have faith and get positive thoughts. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you💜

 

Stresses in Life

Happy Saturday everyone!

As I woke up today I felt nothing but happiness. Although my Lupus hasn’t been agreeing with me lately, I still feel happy and blessed. How we start our day is usually how we end our day. Being negative as soon as we wake up in the morning will only lead to our demise.

Our lives are never perfect. We have stress, work, school, family, and children to worry about it. Yes, I get it we have so much on our plate. But take a moment and just breathe. Take a moment for you in your busy day. Sometimes we forgot (even myself) to take a step back and decompress. We get so wrapped up in our busy lives that we forget to realize how blessed we truly are. 

When we feel stress mounting up that’s the sign that we’ve gone too far. So how do we decompress when we have so much going on? Read a book, go out for a walk, meditate, or even just take a longer way home and listen to your favorite music. Our lives will always have some type of stress. It’s how we deal with it that determines our future. 🌸

 

Hump day thoughts

Have you ever had one of those days where you just sit back and actually think about how far your life has come? Where you used to be and where you are now? That’s where I am today.

Two years ago I was in a marriage that involved domestic violence, both verbal and physical abuse. At that time I thought I had no way out and that this was always going to be my life, to live in fear. I forgot what life was and how to live. At times I didn’t want to live just because it was painful. I was lost and confused about how I got to this point in my life. It lasted from 2010 to the time I had the courage and strength to leave.

Last year I had the courage to leave my ex husband and ended up at my mothers front door. Crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do. My temporary stay turned into me staying in Texas long term. Finding myself has harder than I thought it was going to be. I still find out new things about myself daily, it’s a never ending learning experience. The divorce was painful, nothing about it was easy. The emotions that get brought up during those six months was walking through a dream you can’t wake up from. His surprise visits trying, the emails, and continuous contact was hell served on a silver platter. Yet, I never backed down and I never went back.

Present day, my life is simply blessed. Do the memories every truly fade away? no they don’t. Instead of scars they are lessons for me. My past can never be changed so I have learned to embrace it and help others find their way. My life is nothing less than beautiful. The man in my life has been a blessing in more ways than one. I’m closer to my family. I have finally learned how to live and live for me. 

So I tell you this story not for sympathy but for strength. Have the courage to live the life you dreamt of. Have the strength to claw your way out of hell and back into the light. We all have the power to choose how we life our life. So why not choose to be happy and enjoy what God has given us?

Circle of Life

So something happened today that I couldn’t help but share with you. Have you ever been disappointed at joy that felt like it was stolen from you? Like it was turn from you when you wished for it so? 

This happened to me today. I thought for the better half of October that there was a possibility that I could be pregnant. The thought of it for my boyfriend and I brought us nothing but joy. So why not be excited about the thought of a little blessing. To my dismay, we aren’t. I felt angry, sad, and just about every other emotion out there you could think of. Why? Why was that little piece of joy taken from us? I was at a point where I didn’t want to think and I may never understand how my broken heart is apart of God’s plan. 

So instead of feeding into the emotions too much I had to go outside and just breathe and listen. Listen to the quiet, so the quiet can calm my sadness and calm my heart. I now understand that it is simply not our time yet. Patience isn’t my strong suit in life but I know I can’t rush this in our life. I don’t blame myself, my love, or God. 

Waiting for that positive sign on a pregnancy test can be the most heartbreaking feeling a woman can go through. The longest 30 seconds of a wait, the most excitement you will ever feel, or the most sadness you may experience. When you try and try and try with no results happening it can lead you to a bottomless pit. As I tear up from writing this I also feel strength from it. I just have to remember you’re God and I am not. 

So I tell you this, don’t let the results get you down. When that positive sign happens to show up, embrace that blessing and share that with your spouse. If the results aren’t positive do not let that weaken your faith. Keep the faith. Keep the love between your spouse going. Keep hope in your heart.

Keep trying and always know you’re not alone in this journey.