power

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

It’s been forever since I’ve written on my site, but today something brought me back. In the past month or so the nightmares have come back and my world went dark. The anxiety and distress was there. When I woke up, when I was at work, and when I went to sleep. It followed me like a shadow, never leaving my side. I kept denying that anything had changed and went about my life as usual. Now looking back I knew I was in denial. Taking that step back is a hard pill to shallow because it feels like I failed yet again.

How can someone so far still haunt you?

It is a forever battle between our mind and in our heart. A battle others may not truly understand but you and thats ok too. Some battles are won with just one person, you. As long as you fight the battle has already been won. Accepting that you deserve the life you always prayed for is step one. That is the foundation that will not get destroyed when the storm comes in. Refuse to give up hope, refuse to give up on faith. 

 We all have those moments where we will put everything in front of ourselves. We help others before we help ourselves. Giving the last of us to someone else in need who needs it more. Yet, when it comes down to us we tend to skip ourselves.  Sometimes we need to put ourselves first and fight for us. We deserve the same treatment we give to others who may need help. One off my favorite quotes is “If what’s ahead scares you and what’s behind hurts you, then look up.” It has brought me back each time when all I saw was darkness. Let it bring light to your world when darkness creeps in.

When we save everyone else, who will save us?

We are our own hero in our story so make it amazing

We usually care hardships with us. People who have hurt us, betrayed us, and sometimes broke us. One of my biggest problems in life is forgiving someone who hurt me. Forgiving my ex husband took over 5 years. From the time the abuse started, to the divorce, and to the present day. Why is forgiveness so hard to do?

Most people say “do it for you not them” but it’s usually easy to say and hard to do. I have learned that forgiveness isn’t something you can simple do. Your heart, mind, and soul have to be at peace. I admit at the time my heart, mind, and soul looked like a dark storm with no end in sight. Family and friends among us think that it shouldn’t take us long. Most of my family said leave it to God and let it be.

Yet, my faith was gone and I was lost. The hurt and abuse broke me like no other. I lost my way and when trying to put the broken pieces of myself back together I ended up doing more damage. When I least expected it someone saw the good in me when I didn’t see it in myself. 

Last year I could finally say I forgave him and other people. It takes time to forgive others who have hurt you. Do not feel rushed in doing so. Take time where it is quiet and reflect. Putting yourself back together doesn’t have to be painful but it does start a life journey. And in the process the hurt that was done to you will be more of a chapter you closed instead of a nightmare you’re living. That is when you know your ready 💜

One thing I have always noticed is that some of us are afraid to be alone. Afraid to grow old and be alone. Afraid to come home to empty house. Afraid of living life alone. Most times we are afraid to be alone with ourselves. We tend to overthink every aspect of our lives and we end up being our own worst enemies. As a society we tend to think of it as them against us but what about when it’s us vs. ourselves. 

Why are we afraid to be alone with ourselves?

Being alone can bring us more strength then being with others at our side. We find our weakness but most importantly we find our strengths.  Find that silent place and listen. Do not argue with yourself. Do not think about what still has to be done. Be one with mature. Be one with Earth.

This is where we find our inner peace. This is where we find the power we thought we lost but most importantly this is where we heal. Without silence we don’t take the time to heal from our wounds. Getting over our fear of being alone is the first step of find our own strength. There is no shame or sadness to come from being alone.

Just find yourself ❤