loss

The Ultimate Pain

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all 
alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

 

 

Lessons in Life

No one likes having storms in our lives. They bring in the thunder, lighting, and be destructive. We usually try our hardest in life to keep these storms out of our lives but when it comes to life they have to come. There are times in our lives that need these storms. Yes, I said it! Storms are needed in our lives. Through the pain, destruction, and loss there are only lessons we can learn from when going through storms. How would we know how strong we truly are if we weren’t tested? There are storms in my life I wish didn’t happen but it taught me so much about myself. To this day those lessons are still teaching me as I tackle every moment of my life. Through the toughest storms of my life taught me that with faith and God there is so much strength in this woman. There will be times where we feel that giving up seems like the better option, I’ve been down that fork in the road. Believe in your faith and where it will lead you, follow your heart. Be silent, be still, talk with God. We learn who we truly are in storms. Our inner being. Our character. Will we quit or fight for who we love and hold dear? This is when that question gets answered. It will lead to loving ourselves, who we really are. Loving ourselves means so much more than others loving us. It will calm you. 

Welcome the storms in your life. See what they bring.

Dance in the rain until you see the rainbow again!

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