beginnings

The Ultimate Pain

As I sit here and type I look out the window and just think of all the memories as tears fill my eyes. Losing a loved one brings the ultimate pain any human can endure. You feel as though every rib is broken and you can breathe. That all the light in the world is gone because your loved one was the light in your world. The smiles, the laugh, the pure soul the carried is all gone. The memories can hurt more than the reality at times. So what do we do… Do we stop living our life because they’re gone? Do we cry every waking moment of the day because our reality is a night-mare? Do we call her phone just to hear her voice one last time? I have done every single one of these options to no avail. Grief has to be the darkest part of life no one is prepared to see. I pray and pray that our hurt heals, that she’s close when we need her most. 

It’s hard to figure out what we should be doing now in that she is gone. What would she want us to do? Stuck in an endless void in life with no way out. One of my favorite songs Remember by Lauren Dangle brought it home for me today.

“In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all 
alone

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way”

When our life feels like the world is against you and every part of your soul hurts, remember your faith. We wished and prayed that she would stay on Earth with us, that she could come home to us. We are human and its natural to be selfish and wish for things that can not be. Before she left she said she was coming home but she never said which home, now I know what she meant. There is not a moment in the day that my every being crumbles to ground and I stare at the stars at my feet. How grief can be so painful is unfair. Everything I have known ended yesterday at 12:25PM, so how do I pick up the pieces to a new life without her here? I look to the comfort. 

It brings me comfort knowing she is no longer in pain. It brings comfort to know she is with Lord, that she knows no sadness that her days are now full of light and love. To know she will never be ill again brings warmth to my heart yet my soul is crashing around me. Grief has to be one of the hardest things in life to get through.

So I live my life in memory of her, letting her legacy of how wonderful she was through me. I let my faith in God, my stepmom, and the life after take over. Have hope in our future. Taking care of my family like she asked of me eight days ago. Make sure I make her proud of what I have accomplished and what we have done as a family. I lost my mom yet gained another sister in my life, that is something only my mama can do. She blessed us even when she went home to our God. I remember her smile, her laugh, her purest soul. She was my best friend, my confidant, my mom, but most of all my angel on Earth. She always brought people together and did it again in the after life. I let these things bring me comfort when everything goes dark.

I know we will all be ok because she here to guide us

Our grief may never end but because of her we have each other.

When our faith starts to crumble be there with us

You were the light of my world and you will be forever, I will carry out your promise just shine down on us beautiful 

I love you mama, always

Rest now my angel

10-17-18

 

 

Highs and Lows

There are times our life that we feel like we’re on cloud nine in life. That nothing can go wrong, everything is perfect. Those are the best times in our life and what we look forward. Yet, when an event happens in our life our world crashes around us. How can we be so high and yet drop from heaven and fall so quickly? How do you get through the lows in life? How do you see the light when it’s so far away?

People say just be happy or get over it but don’t help to show you how. There is no play by play book about life and how to handle the lows. I have been through the lowest of the lows, when I saw no other way out. I crawled out and went through fire to get where I am today. How did I do it? To be honest, I wouldn’t even tell you. I kept walking, when I want to curl up in a ball and give up I kept going. I didn’t know where I was going but I kept going. I had very close people in my life that helped me get through but they might as well have been talking a different language. This was one of those journeys I had to do on my own. I clawed my way out, kicking and screaming until I felt alive again. When I wanted to live, I found my purpose to breathe. I was my own world. I was my reason. 

Sometimes you win some and you lose some, at that point I was losing bad. I got up and fell. I couldn’t see the light. Thinking of the where I wanted to be, how I wanted to see my life to be pushed me forward. I was put on this Earth for a reason and I sure as hell going to figure out why. 

When got created mountains and oceans and galaxies he looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too. 

You are here for a reason

You were created and were meant to be here

Continue the journey even when times are hard

When all you see is darkness look at the stars, look at how they shine for you 

Letting go of What I Thought I Wanted

When we’re small we always think of what we want our lives to be like. Most of us wanted to be famous, a dancer, an astronaut, or even just rich. When we became adults those plans seem to change so drastically. 

I always expected that my first marriage would be my last marriage. Yet, that didn’t happen.

I expected to be in a loving marriage but instead was the complete opposite.

I have learned that what we thought we wanted sometimes won’t happen. That life isn’t a fairytale that we see in the Disney movies. Yet, I have also learned that it’s ok when life doesn’t go your way. What I thought I wanted in life has now changed to just living in the moment. When I presisited to make me life be a certain way it added so much stress and disappointment when it didn’t become reality. What I ended up needing in my life shined through. What I have now in life is what I always needed and wanted. How blessed our lives are when we realize this aspect ❤

 

Little Moments

We go through our daily life without much thought. We get up, get the little ones up, and get ready for work. We know what to do and when to do it. Yet at times we think, what else is there? Our lives go stagnant yet we pretend like we don’t know why. 

When did we get so caught up in our lives that we actually forgot to live and enjoy it? We tend to live to survive and not much more. The journey of life should be an adventure, so why don’t we live it as one?

Our daily routines have ourselves hostage because we put ourselves in that situation. So instead of doing the daily grind day in and day out let’s start living with purpose again!  Do something new each day, find a new hobby, or even try out a new place to eat! 

It’s time to enjoy life again, we only have one so let’s make it the best possible! 

New Year Thoughts

For most of us the New Year is the a new beginning, closing one book and starting another. We’ve all heard it before from most people around us, sticking to a diet and losing weight seems to be the highlight of everyone’s New Years resolution. I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions because I’m never able to stick to them past the first month. Then comes feeling bad for yourself because you couldn’t keep up with the goal you made. Seems like a never ending cycle each year.

Yet, this year is a bit different for me. Overcoming an awful marriage, divorce, and health problems, I feel like I took on the world and never realized I did. My 2017 resolution wasn’t being the conqueror of obstacles in my way, yet here I am. Most of our resoulstions we make fall between weight loss or money. Instead of focusing on materialistic or concentrating on how we look let us focus on what we have and what we have to gain from 2018.

My only resolution for 2018 is to enjoy life. Sounds pretty simple for most but is truly something I have yet to do since my divorce and even before that. I tend to worry about what is to come before it even happens which leads to stress which is something we all know about. If we don’t enjoy the now, how will we enjoy the blessings coming our way? Enjoy the little things, make memories, and enjoy what 2018 has to offer us.

I truly hope 2018 is a great year for all!

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